pissed.

i'm just so disappointed..
same situations happen for the gazillionth time..

i'm so effin tired of squabbling and looking after YOU,

i'm your friend and i need your time, not a just someone who ask for your spare attention.

within so many times have YOU rejected my offers, do u know how much it freaks ME out?
do u know how frustrated i am?

we used to be together..
now..

i have thought, was i better off alone? without YOU?

the TRIANGLE.

maybe u've already read a lot of bizaare love triangles in the past..

but mine is a different one..

it started out as "you-look-maangas-and-i-hate-you!" thing but it ended up into something like..

"how-i-wish-it-was-me-nalang.."


we got closer with each other as the near end of our school days came..
no mushy messages, no fuss, no issues, just friendship..

and i somehow liked it na rin that we stayed in that way..
it was kilig though..

but the only thing that hinders is that HE.. has a long time gurl whom she calls his MINE..
therefore as i call him MINE, there is that one other special person for him who he calls him LIFE..

as i would always remember my self being quoted..
"id rather be sad, alone and seeing them happy together than that of to be happy with him and see his girl weeping"

i somehow already made friends with his girl and felt at ease coz i know right now he'd be in good hands.. i've now accepted that he's not MINE and that we're better of as friends..

and @ random..

"if i would be a third party, it doesn't mean that i'm destroying a relationship. it only means that i won't show my love and feelings to the person I LOVE." - 26/05/09 08:37 pm

"Being a third party doesn't mean that you're destroying a relationship.. It only means that you make 2 souls realize that they're not meant to be together." - 26/05/2009 8:25 pm

and this one touches me MOST..

"Ang pagmamahal sa taong may mahal ng iba ay parang pagsabit sa jeep. alam mong bawal pero ginawa mo padin. dahil alam mong sasaya ka sa biyahe, at umaasa kang aalis din yung taong yun at ikaw ang makakaupo. Pero hindi mo naisip, kapag nakaupo kana, maaring may sumabit ding iba at ikaw ang magagaya dun sa naunang bumaba, luhaan at nag iisa." - 29/06/09 11:41 pm

i know it'll take time to move on..
many more sleepless nights to spend..
many more tears to be shed..

but in time i know...

answered prayers and broken promises..

i may be too emotional but not that confrontational, i would always end up beaten and crying..

last weekend i had a fight with my bestest friend ever..
*i guess she hates me now*

she is bugged with my presence and everything that involves "me" pisses her off..
she thinks im "doomed-to-be-her-friend" but that's not true..
i never regret anything i've done for her..
all the efforts i have exerted was done not because i have to..

i know she have flaws *lots of it* and i've accepted that..
its just that i cant even think abot how much she doesnt get my point and always insist on things as if she was the victim here..


she is *WTH* my bestest best friend ever..

ive done a lot of firsts with her..
alcoholic drinks..
skip class..
sleep overs..
galera days..
malling..
strolling..
boy hunting.. *luv that part*

she witnessed my first forbidden love..
i saw her fight with her tropa..
i witnessed her worst heartbreak..

we've shared numerous laughters..

..and tears.

Unmeasurable moments spent together..
Unforgettable experiences..


I prayed for a friend like her, God granted my prayers about a year and nine months ago when he made us classmates *and seatmates*..

i couldnt let go kasi I know she needs me..
*well atleast about 6months ago.. when we're still okay then..*


now...
she has her own life, own sets of friends, own activities done..

she's on her own now..


maybe she's right..
siguro i became too dependent on her..


and being dependent on her was something she doesnt want me to do.
she wants her OWN life..
she wants me to have mine..



im trying to.
im really trying my best to.




i havent spoken to her for 2days now..
i havent seen her also..


it is hard.
and im sure it'll get harder for the next coming days.

specially i'll be seeing her daily..

i cant pretend she doesnt exist.

haiist. how hard nhu?



sad kasi we'll not be able to spend our last few days in college together..
that she'd rather be with her oh-so-good and fun-to-be-with new found friends than with us na mga tried-and-tested-through-time friends nya na..

it is okay.
i am okay.
we're all okay.


i'll be missing her laughters, her kwento, her hampas, her hair *that is short now*, her smile, her accent, her sneezes, everything.. *as in lahat*

i'll be having a hard time adjusting siguro.
im not redi to see her yet nga.


daig pa niya mama ko.
daig pa niya ang taong mahal ko. *may gf ksi un* (aii.. siningit tlga.. ill be posting about that maybe next time..)

although we both promised forever to each other..
and as i would remember her saying "i know im hard to be understood but please do not give on me"

as much as i would want to hold on..

i cant anymore..
wla nko hahawakan..
nauna na sha bumitaw e..




pero ill not lose hope. *matigas ulo ko eh*


as serena and blair fought like devils in gossip girls.

i know right on just before grad, we'll have white flags waving,..

my thursday.. 01+08=09. ü

woked up 9:30am.,,
sarap matulog, maulan kse e..
bum muna til mga 10am..

ate cereals (sarap! un cornflakes na chocolate coated!ö)
prepared for duty and fixed things, (grabe dami ko plang kulang na gamit.)
watched TV (imbes magreview for OR duty..)
cooked brunch, (cornbeef and rice)
turned on the component, (soundtreep!)


(danced around the house,,. lol.)


took a bath..
got dressed..
putted on make up..

left the house by 12nn.,,


was stucked in traffic til 12:20nn..

met up wiT arnel and alyssa @ shakeys, treat nila aku.
(sweet ni kap pti ni bayaw..ü ayaw nla ppgutuman akuh.)

kwentuhan ng onti,.. konting tawanan..ü
tpos pa-picture,,

then uwian na.. (owell, sila lang.. ksi pa-start plang day kuh eh.)
we parted ways na.. ayun.

i went to the school campus and paid for the graduation picture and yearbook.

walking in times street by 1:40pm..

running late for duty by 1:55pm..

arrived in HT 2:00pm.,,

went up to perpz OR complex @ 2:01pm,

met the new c.i.,
few introductions.,

then salang agad sa OR..

it was my first scrub..
saya pla mag ganuon.. ^^

ahihi.. sna more to go..

may appendectomy case pa ung ibang grupmates ko kya ngpixur2 muna kme,..

had our break @ 7pm, 20 minutes lang kea ngmmdli kme.,, wla ng nguya nguya,, hahaha.. :))

went back to OR, changed clothes..
checked the quiz., had a short discussion, a few demos then a tour to the perpz OR complex.


grabe dun, nkkatanga..
subrang pgkahigh-tech duon.,

hahaha.. ganda tlga subra.

sobrang ganda, dnga aku mkatulog eh.

hahaha..
jowk lang..

osha.. gtg. need to write all of the requirements pa eh.,,

too bad, bawal ang tamad (copy-paste)..

i hope mataas grades ko..ü

xOxo
sHeeNz

*guiLt siNks iN*

smoking (yes.. but only sometimes) and drinking (yes..i'm 19 and its legal) were two things that i do in life that i wasn't much proud of..


..as my cousin Jasmin (who is currently residing and working in switzerland) would say, "you dont need cigarettes, alcohol and drugs to be happy and to enjoy life". sure thing that wasn't essential but those are instruments *or something like that* that increases the fun while with friends. You talk and you make good conversations and stuffs.

..I promised my cousin i wouldn't smoke or drink again after the *GALERA* incident. But i broke my promise to her (then makes me remember what she has also said.. "what you dont know won't hurt you.") so as long as she wouldn't know what i was doing here while she was away she wont scold at me or be mad or throw away rants and lecture me.

..But everyday as we talk/chat i feel guilty. 'cause i broke a promise. and i lied to her. and im sorry.

..I'll try to change my ways and be a better me. Or should i say return to the old me whose life revolves around the *cyberspace, dvd movies, books and academics*.

*whehw*


will i get that life back?


ngayon pa that my life is something that revolves in like *friends, gala, drinks, and the least was the acads*.

impossibly insensitive..

i just don't get why some people tends to be so insensitive..

im sure there's no one who's born with that capability, but hey! i mean. how could they choose to be like one. they hurt people unconsciously and "do not" care about the people who cared about them most..




haiiiizzt..




one big *siGh*

bestfriends..

whew! i cant even help it, im addicted to gossip girl and im so psyched up by the fact i can watch it online.

serena and blair?

they were best of friends..

but they can have the most historical cat fights ever.

here are some lines from the episode..
(im not sure if i got all those right..)

s: "i cannot believe you did this."
b: "like you don't deserve it?"

they fight like as if they're not gonna be friends until forever.

s: "you did not just did that."
s: "i hate that stupid headband"

haha.. what da..

but at the end of the day when they're done and tired with all the fighting. they make it up..

b: "i told them you that this is what you wanted. and what are you doing here??"
s: "doing the same thing"

blah blah blah..

b: "i can't not know you, i "don't" want to not know you"

OMFG.. they fight like demons but they settle things up like little angels..


s: "what? blair, ur my bestfriend. what's mine is yours."
b: "we cannot share this."
s: "we'll find a way.. together."



haii.. im excited for the next catfight. i mean im excited for the upcoming episodes pa..

hihi.. ^_^

and then..

all of a sudden.

i was numb..

i dont even wanna look on my cellphone if there are some text messages,
i dont even wanna open my pc to look for sumthing new (which before i usually do)
i dont even wanna answer any calls..
i dont even wanna read anything..
i dont wanna hear any news..

i dont even wanna eat..

i cant sleep.

im not gonna be surprised if one day i'll be tired of breathing.

this isn't supposed to happen,

..but it did anyways.








was i not feeling anyhting?



or was it that i was just to hurt to feel any more pain?

idk.

much as i wanted to blogg..

it hurts so much..

i dont wanna hate guys coz i have guy friends..



but why do "SOME" of them do this..


..they tell u they like u and then the next moment they're gone

..they express how much they wanted things between you and them can work out but never really exerted the effort to prove their words

..they say they're gonna come when they actually have a lot of reasons why they wouldn't

..they flirt. they simply flirt.

with you, with everyone, with a friend.

(haters.)


i dont want to hate men.


so please. dont give me reasons to do so.

he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship..

..i told her so.

i told her to wait.

i always knew he'd hurt her.

i couldn't do anything.
i couldn't even tell her that i knew it.
i want to comfort her. she's my bestfriend.
he's also my friend. he's our friend.


and now he's with someone else.


we all could move on.

i know we could.


we should.


*sighs*

loneliness strikes...

this 2008 valentines season was the saddest occasion I've ever had...

i woke up almost 10'am ate breakfast and watched Grey's anatomy when all of a sudden i have thought how lonely i am on a valentines day while almost all people are having the time of their life being with their special someones or loved ones, there i was all alone watching dvd all by myself...


and as i thought crazy ideas...

..i dropped by at a store to buy these:




















yes! i drank.. and add to that was i smoked!! yes... i smoked!!

these diverted my loneliness into another..


but after doing it.,, I didn't get anything, just headache, dizziness and rashes!

I'm not proud of what I did but if ever that in the next valentines day, things will still be the same, no wonder that I'd still be counting on these things...


i feel so alone,

nobody loves me...

no one has even bothered to comfort me..



it's just so sad being me

slipped away...

I miss you so bad
I don't forget you and oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now you are gone
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Somewhere your not coming back

mi grand papz passed away wednesday morning last week..
i'll miss every bit of him..

i used to be his little girl..




love you grampapz..



bye 'tay!!

heads uP!!!

school's back!!

of the legal age..

thanks to all who've greeted nung 18th koh..
thanks to all that have been part of this rollercoaster yet wonderful life..


many more years to come with you guys..




godbless the fireflies!!!

do you want to know the truth?

"a true intelligent person, doesn't know how to hurt other people"

-para sakin.,, mssbi mong inteligent ang isang tao kapag iniisip nya ng mabuti bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig nya.., careful enough not to utter words that would make others break-

hindi ako intelligent na tao, i bLiv nga na sa daldal kong ito.. madami dami na rin akong nasaktan na tao.,, madami akong nasasabi na nakakaoffend (and i ask forgiveness for that..sorry poh).. pero sana alam din ng ibang tao (u knw sna hu u r) that im fragile enough to break.. nasasaktan di ako with the things you say.. it doesnt mean i laugh at it,.. eh im happy.. may mga nasasabi kayo na sinasakyan ko lang pero di nyo alam dinamdam ko pala yun.. ganun na talaga ako.. sna lng nagpapaka intelligent naman kayo para di kayo nakakasakit..kasi ako im trying my best to be intelligent and i try my best not to hurt others..

kya naman.,, ikaw?? do you consider yourself intelligent??

nursing is...

nursing is an ART...

nursing is a PROFESSION...

nursing is a SCIENCE...


eto pah..

nursing is CARING...




eto pinaka malaupet...

nursing is EXPENSIVE...

>>daaaang!! namumulubi nko<<