This entry was so different from all the others. I may be jolly, witty, and hyper but there are always two sides of a coin right? This would be my other side, the dramatic, serious, deep and heartwarming side of me.
I can’t say that my mother was the best mother in the whole wide universe, but I can say that as far as 16-plus years of my life spent with her, she has been a great mother to me. Let me recall those days with her…
The Not so Good side…
Every mother has its evil side, admit it or not there’s one point in our lives that we hated them for their so much being “pakialamera”, being “madaldal”, and making “kulit” to us. And I’m one of you, in fact I was still in that stage, I hated my mother for her so much being inquisitive. She’s noisy and super annoying. I could still remember we would fight about little things and argue about the simplest things in life. When I was still a kid we often fight, maybe it’s because of ignorance “sympre bata pa eh” I was super hard headed, I don’t listen to her, and I don’t follow things that she wants me to do, then she gets mad and shout at me even in the middle of the street or in the middle of the night she doesn’t care kahit there’s so many people looking to us. I don’t know why I would always want to fight with her I find it so fun, cool, and exciting especially when she’s already transforming into a devil-like structure “para na siyang si The HULK na babaeng version”. But still by the end of the day I’ll be the one ending up crying (nokokonsyensya kasi ‘ko.) It was always like that. So then the story goes on. For me, it’s very depressing. My mama works all day, sometimes going home super late and then when she’s at home that’s the scene I’m gonna be witnessing. I’m like “umuwi ka pa!” Perhaps the fun and excitement that I feel while arguing with her is because of the attention I wanted from her, “pag pinapagalitan ka kasi ibig sabihin love ka!” Maybe in that way I feel I was loved. Years have passed naman and um-okay naman kami. I entered high school and things went on normally, a little argument and conflict cannot be avoided but those were already little things to me. Naging little na rin kasi ang time nya for me. She still works until midnight, sometimes hindi umuuwi. But I understand my mama works in an export company and it does need attention a whole day or more. She’d rather work than stay at home. There were times I pity her, she would come home sleepless and tired then she still has to do something else. Nakakaawa talaga si mama. Lalo na pag umuuwi syang may asthma tapos dinadagdagan ko pa by being so pasaway at pagsagot ng pabalang . I should understand her diba, besides she’s doing this for me, I’m an only child but my needs are so much that made both my parents work (my father is an OFW and mother is an employee) and yet kulang pa rin. There were times kasi that the employer wouldn’t give their salaries on time, we had to borrow money from relatives just to put up something on our table and also just to pay for school/house rent/bills. Nabaon yata kami sa utang. I would ask “Bakit ganun? Dalawa na nga silang nagwowork, kulang pa rin?!” I grew up only with a guardian. Seldom times I would be going to parks they didn’t knew that they’ve already missed seeing me change from a kid to a teen. Naasar ako sa kanila, Why would both of them work and just leave me with a guardian? Kung good life and better future ang kapalit ng pagtatarabaho nila at pag-iwan sakin, bakit hindi ko yun nararamdaman? Nasaan ang good life? Ang better future? Bakit hanggang ngayon sa apartment pa rin kami nakatira? So much misery and bitterness filled in my mind. Add to that was my mother’s being “pala-utos” nawalan kami ng katulong, since I was in my second year high school; she made me like her maid. Kaliwa’t kanan kung mag-utos, kaya nya namang gawin mag-isa i-uutos pa. Kahit pag-abot ng tubig, at kung anu-ano pang bagay na within reach naman nya. Tapos eto pa, She’s pushing me so hard to lose weight. She would remind me to slow down eating, have an exercise and all that. It’s very annoying. Can’t she just accept me for who I am? Other mothers there, they support their kids no matter what size they were, tapos yung mama ko, iba sya. Eto pa mas masaklap dyan, She was never contented with my achievements, if I was in top7, she would ask for top6, if I would be in top6, she would want top5. She always wants the highest. I had 92% ranking in school. Still she’s not happy with it, she even say, “92 ka lang??” “eh hello?? 92 kaya was a very high grade na!” Other parents nga dyan, happy and nagpaparty na maka 75 lang ang anak nila, kuntento na sila nang nakakapasa, tapos ako naka 92, naka top4 and top5 (before) still hindi pa rin enough. I lost my self-confidence, I feel so ugly, and I feel so stupid. I was self-conscious, I feel unliked, unloved, and I was so pathetic then.
Like last April 16, 2006 Sunday around 11am or 12, inside a mall, we were then in a escalator, we are arguing over buying a gift for a neighbor (kapitbahay ah, as in hindi naman namin kamag-anak, they’re not even close to us, na-invite lang kami.) She was choosing the most expensive thing, and I reacted, I said “bakit mo bibigyan ng regalo yun? Hindi mo naman yun kamag anak! Hindi rin naman tayo close sa kanila! Hindi ka naman nila binibigyan ng regalo pag ikaw o ako yung may birthday ah! Bakit ka pa mag aaksaya ng pera para sa kanila, eh tayo nga wala ng pang tawid gutom eh, tapos yan ipapamigay mo lang, sinasayang mo lang pera mo! Wala ka ngang pera pambili ng bagong gamit eh, tapos ang lakas pa ng loob mo bumili ng regalo?! Bili ka na lang ng gamit para sa sarili mo mas mabuti pa.” she got mad at me she answered me in a loud voice, “Ang SELFISH mo! Siguro pag tanda mo mag-isa ka lang kasi ang damot mo! Hindi ka marunong makisama!”. Nasaktan ako dun syempre, tagos sa puso, selfish bang isipin na wala na nga kaming pera pambili ng sariling damit tapos siya magreregalo ng mamahalin sa isang taon kung tutuusin mas mayaman pa sa amin. Selfish bang isipin kong ibili na lang nya ng sarili nyang gamit ang pera instead ibili ng regalo? Kung selfish nga ang tawag dun, baka nga tama sya. I am selfish. Pero yung tumanda akong mag-isa, never!
And the Good Thing about it…
Despite all those sad stories between me and mama, we were ok naman. With all the disaster, arguments and misunderstanding between us, in some ways it made me stronger, it made me understand her more, and it helped our relationship as mother and daughter to blossom. We share jokes and fun moments. When there’s bad there’s good. There’s a positive and negative. Hindi naman puro bad lang ang mama ko, mabait daw sya (sabi ng mga classmates ko), patient, hardworking, (sa work syempre, hindi sa bahay ah!) caring and understanding. She understands my tantrums, sometimes she doesn’t make patol during times na sinusumpong ako. And after all she carried me for almost 9 months in her womb, she took care of me during times that yet I can’t take care of my self, she supported my needs, and she loved me rin naman siguro kahit papaano. After that escalator event, I’ve learned to value things, I was scared to be alone when I get older. All I wanted was her happiness, if sharing her little blessings in life makes her happy, then who am I to stop her from doing so. If seeing me losing a little weight makes her a little more proud of me, then why not. If being the best in class and having a good grades puts a smile on her face, then I would really try my best to be the best and I’ll study harder to reach the highest grade and eventually put on a little smile to her very pretty face. I am proud that my mother that she raised me up so well, God fearing with much love and attention from all the people who surrounds me. She has taught me to value all the things in life, be independent, fight for my right, respect people, be thankful, and made me brave to face the things ahead. My mama is a strong willed and tough woman; I was the same, that’s basically the reason why we clash most of the time. Many times I have questions about her and my father, but I’ll always ending up realizing that every single thing that they sacrificed now, were all for me. I should not be selfish, I should not blame them, hindi naman nila ginusto yun, they did not want these things to happen, I’m sure that as much as they’d like to, they wanted to spend a day with me, cracking up jokes and eating good food together. I love my parents so much. I value them as much as they value me as their only daughter. They should not worry I know my responsibilities. And one day, when I already finished studying, done with these, when I already have a good job, and able to provide, it’ll be all my turn. I will support them, they don’t need to work anymore and all they had to do was to sit back and relax. These days they would say that they’re working so hard to provide for me, and in return I say that I am studying so hard to be able to finish studies for them. At least finally, we are functioning as a family. Hope to see things this way. Hirap at kapos man kami, malayo man kami sa papa ko, masasabi ko naman masaya kami, mahal namin ang isa’t isa, kumpleto kami. Buhay ang both parents ko. Andyan ang diyos sa tabi namin. Umaasa naman kami na hindi nya kami pababayaan.
Mother is a woman who conceives, gives birth to a child, raises and nurtures it. My ma wasn’t different from many others, and our story wasn’t also different from yours. No matter how much we hated them, they will still be our moms. Diba nga “mother knows best”. If your mother is still alive it is not yet too late to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or “Thank you”. If she already left you, don’t worry, I’m sure she’s been watching you all the way from up there, you can also say those words to her, I’m sure she’ll listen. There’s no mom na hindi iniisip ang anak nila tuwing gabi bago matulog, walang nanay ang hindi nag-aalala sa kalagayan ng kanilang anak. We as their children must and always remember that. Wag natin silang i-judge sa kung ano man ang nagawa nilang mali, instead, isipin natin ang lahat ng mabuti tungkol sa kanila. Intindihin natin sila. Mahal lang talaga tayo.
Although I know that hindi naman mahilig mag internet si ma at kahit alam kong never nya ‘tong mababasa, ilalagay ko pa rin dito ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya,
“Para sa aking napakabait at napaka pasensyosang Nanay. Hehe. Ma. Sorry kung makulit ako at pasaway. Kung mareklamo ako. Sorry if I failed you a lot of times already. Sorry talaga. Thank you sa lahat ng bagay na nagawa mo para sakin. Alam ko kung gaano ka nahihirapan nang wala si papa dito, sorry nga pala kasi kung di dahil sakin siguro hindi nya kailangan magtrabaho sa ibang bansa. Gusto ko malaman mo na thankful ako na nagging nanay kita, at kahit na palagi kong sinasabi na gusto kong magkaron ng ibang nanay, sobrang hindi totoo yun, sinasabi ko lang yun para asarin ka. Ma, sobrang mahal na mahal kita. Ayokong nakikita kang malungkot or namomroblema. Nahihirapan ako pag nakikita kitang nahihirapan. Hindi ko man madalas pinapakita o pinanapramdam sayo. Mahal kita sobra! Happy Mother’s Day”
And to all mothers Happy Mother’s Day!! To all people that read this entry, thanks so much. I’d be happy to read on some comments from you. Do not judge my Ma based on what you read. After all you don’t know her. Just be kind to me. I’m young and I’m in this stage called “confusion” I hope you’d all bear with me. Thanks.
